A Long and Dull Explanation about My Most Hated Subject

It’s love.
Okay, move along.
You can still get out from this before I start.

For the ones who are still with me…
I’ve warned you.

Love (by this I mean the man-woman love)…
The subject I hate the most because mostly people talk about it in a cheesy way.

Being a mostly nihilistic person, I have deconstructed most of the ideals I took for granted.
I have unmasked them, shown them to be nothing at all.
I have seen that they have no values of their own, other than the values that we give.
One of them is, of course, MAN-WOMAN LOVE.

How do I define it?
I define it, simply, as friendship with the benefit of sex.
Sometimes it's even worse. It is a DEAL for treating each other nicely.
There’s all there is to it.
The rest is pure idealization.

All you have to do is simple.

• Find a person you like to be with
• Make sure that the person’s physical attributes are acceptable by your (sexual) standards
• Sign a DEAL with her/him to be each other’s exclusive friend

That’s it.
After that, you just have to idealize the person, put some romantic projections on her/him; and remember to put her/him in a significant place in your life, so that you will become dependent on her/his constant presence.
Just make a memory, drama, or anything.

Voila, you just find yourself an attachment.


NOW, what I really want to say.

• I still find it to be a great sensation.
• I still appreciate it.
• I still see a lot of good things coming out of it.
• I still cherish it.
• I still want it.

But as you can see from my explanation above, I will not accept overrated beliefs about it.

• I don’t believe in love at first sight.

AND

• I don’t believe in unconditional man-woman love.

OR

• other kinds of similar exaggerations.

I know it sounds bad, but let me try to explain by case examples.

Case A
Mr. Bond loves his girl so much. But he can’t be with her because if he does, she won’t live. His enemies will go after her.
So he leaves her. His love for her is much greater than his desire to be with her. He sacrifices himself in order to save her. He feels pain, but it is fine for him.

Is his love unconditional love? After all, he expects nothing in return.

The answer is NO.
He doesn’t have ANY choice. If things were different, he certainly would be with her. His love is no different than anyone’s. He STILL hopes for something in return. It’s just his circumstances won’t allow it.

Case B
Mr. Ogre is ugly. He loves a girl, but the girl doesn’t love him back.
So he just wants happiness for the girl; even when she is in other’s arms.

Is his love unconditional love?

The answer is NO.
The reason is the same. He’s got NO choice. And maybe, he also gains pleasure from the pain it brings.

Case C
Mr. Drama loves a woman. But he leaves her because he thinks she’s better off without him. He always complains about the pain he has, but he trusts it’s for the better.

Is his love unconditional love?

Same answer.
Same reason, especially the ‘seeking pain for pleasure’ part.

Case D
Ms. Soft loves his husband. She gives him a lot but expects a lot in return. The husband only gives a little and expects a little also.

Is Ms. Soft’s love worse than her husband’s?

NO.
It’s just different. She was raised in a family that gives and receives a lot, while her husband wasn’t. Her love isn’t worse. She just has a different way of handling it.

Some people would claim it to be worse. They would say that she had no unconditional love, because she expected something in return.

I say, what do you expect? Isn’t it normal to expect something? Isn’t it man-woman love is all about?
Man-woman love is all reciprocal, back and forth. It’s about wanting and being wanted, giving and being given, desiring and being desired. It’s so sexual.

Unconditional love is just IRRELEVANT in man-woman love. It may be a Godly love, friendly love, or anything; but it certainly isn’t a man-woman love. It’s always been a DEAL, remember? A TWO-WAY thing.

And one other thing,
I don’t believe there are rules in man-woman love. There isn’t any guide about what can be done and what can’t.
Any guide found is simply taken from friendship guide or business guide.
A few examples:

• A cheater isn’t guilty of love; he/she is guilty of manipulation, backstabbing, deliberately hurting, breaking a deal, or something like that.
• And so do people who forget anniversaries. Their guilt is not against love; their guilt is simply because they break the deal (if pampering your partner is included in it, like most do).

Don’t get me wrong. I still think the whole man-woman love as a GREAT thing.
But, I don’t think it needs to be exaggerated.
It’s all these exaggerations and idealizations that produce so many problems around it.

PS: damn it, it's so hard to write about this non-ending frustrating subject. I hope I've made myself clear.

UPDATE
Since so many people have got me wrong, I will say this.
Contrary to popular belief, I think man-woman love IS great! In fact, it is so great, it doesn't have to be unconditional to be considered great.
The greatness doesn't lie in its unconditional property (which is non-existent by the way), but in its sexuality (two people wanting each other completely - please don't get me wrong again).
There. I've made my point.