Back to Basic

Turn back the sands of time
Undo the old clock's chime
Baby, when it comes to you
I'm just a teen without a clue

The Walking Dead, Well, Dead-ish

It's 10 PM.

I'm still at the lab, working on a research.

I still have a blood slide to check.

I'll probably be done by 11 PM,

or maybe 12.

I'm desperate for a shower,

or a pack of instant noodle,

or a few more episodes of Hannibal,

or a few more messages.

I'm in good health, though.

Well, good-ish.

I can't complain.

Life has been kind.

Yet all I want is to sleep in Your comfort.

A F*cking Toast

Here's a toast to the relentless stupidity and misguided romanticism this f*cking creature embodies!

F*ck you WALL-E!

F*ck you EVE!

F*ck you life!

And to quote another miserable character I happened to watch last night, Erica Barry,

"Do you know what this is? This is heartbroken."

The Best Place to Be

Only quotes this time, taken from the movie Chef and Apollo 13.

"...I'm, like, fucking lost."

"I think that's a good place to start."

- Carl and Molly in Chef

Television Reporter: Is there a specific instance in an airplane emergency when you can recall fear?

Jim Lovell: Uh well, I'll tell ya, I remember this one time - I'm in a Banshee at night in combat conditions, so there's no running lights on the carrier. It was the Shrangri-La, and we were in the Sea of Japan and my radar had jammed, and my homing signal was gone... because somebody in Japan was actually using the same frequency. And so it was - it was leading me away from where I was supposed to be. And I'm lookin' down at a big, black ocean, so I flip on my map light, and then suddenly: zap. Everything shorts out right there in my cockpit. All my instruments are gone. My lights are gone. And I can't even tell now what my altitude is. I know I'm running out of fuel, so I'm thinking about ditching in the ocean. And I, I look down there, and then in the darkness there's this uh, there's this green trail. It's like a long carpet that's just laid out right beneath me. And it was the algae, right? It was that phosphorescent stuff that gets churned up in the wake of a big ship. And it was - it was - it was leading me home. You know? If my cockpit lights hadn't shorted out, there's no way I'd ever been able to see that. So uh, you, uh, never know... what... what events are to transpire to get you home.

Reality

Infinity times infinity.
No words suffice.

Times When God Hits Too Hard

I think God hits us in our lives every once in a while.
And I know, His hits can be very painful.
The pain they create helps us to flourish, though.

By holding against it, we become stronger.
By localizing it, we know what part of us still needs corrections.
By acknowledging it, we’re in our way of becoming mystic.

Jesus is one great example of a mostly successful story about pain.
He endured lots of it, and hardly lost His grip.
It makes you wonder what enabled Him to do so.
Was it faith, hope, or a unique way of seeing the world?

But anyway, this post is not about Jesus.
This post is not even about a success story.
Quite the contrary, this post is about those who failed badly.

Just for Me: A Reminder

I refuse to become the thing I hate the most.

I refuse to deliberately hurt people with my own uncertainty.

I refuse to become a monster.

To those of you who know what I mean,
I am truly sorry.

Solitude

I need a moment of solitude.

No, it is not because I need to contemplate on something.

No, it is not because I'm just tired of the world.









IT'S BECAUSE I FINALLY HAVE THE NEUROLOGY TEST DATE!!!
And it's far earlier than November 12th!!! (I knew I shouldn't have trusted such too good to be true news)

• Interview starts on October 12th (some say it will be just like a practice-patient test, damn!).
• Psychology test is on October 17th.
• Written test is on October 27th.

OMG...
I have to get prepared.
Start the clock!
Catch you later.
MUCH LATER I hope.

Don Rosa's The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck: A Hidden Gem

A friend of mine has already posted this comic on his site, so I won't mention much about it.

I just feel I have to post it again because it is actually very good.
It reminds me the sheer joy of optimism and hope.
I've always loved Disney stories. I have fond memories of them in my childhood.
I guess that's why the impact is even greater for me.

Just read it, you won't be sorry.

I Say Grace

Thank you o dear Lord, for what I have received from it.

1. I have become stronger
2. I have learned a lot about myself
3. I have something to write
   
4. I have learned about forgiveness
   
5. For the first time in a long time, my heart is love again
6. 
   
7. 
   
8. 
   
9. 
   
10. 
    

If the amount isn't ten yet, then I'm still trying.
But I'll get them all, don't worry. :)

UPDATE
I just don't give a shit anymore.

The Price of Knowledge

Have you ever seen an episode of The Simpsons where Homer becomes smart?

It turns out that there’s a crayon embedded in his brain that makes him a dumb man we know.
So, a surgery is done to remove the crayon; and after that, he turns into a smart person.
It goes well for Homer, but after a while, knowledge starts to take its toll.
He realizes that he cannot be as happy as he was. He is unable to appreciate the simple, stupid things that used to make him happy. To know really takes the fun of everything.
In the end, he undergoes a second surgery and has the crayon reinserted. He is dumb again but very happy.

I can’t tell you how much I relate to this simple story.
In my spiritual journey, I have come to realize that everything is just, well, NOTHING.
And as the result, I have lost almost all my faith in them.
I don’t have anything to fight anymore, because everything is just worthless.
The world for me now is just a bunch of lies.
It still has its own eternal values (silence, serenity, prudence, true love, etc), but none of them gets me as excited as the lies would.
In other words,

The world is big
The world is profound
The world is divine
And it is no fun.

It gets me hard sometimes.
And since I cannot undo what I already know, what must I do?

Anthony DeMello once said that in life there were two things a human had to do.
The first one was to know that everything was pointless.
And the second one was to pretend we didn’t know the first part.

Truth be told, I don’t know how to pretend.

So, I need a new knowledge, a new belief, a new value that will make me happy again; because I have lost faith in the old ones.

Must I decide my own NEW values (as implied by Nietzsche)? Must I determine my own subjective truth (as was told by Kierkegaard)?
The problem is, both men who suggested this already had their own values. They were just having a hard time because their values differed greatly with the accepted values at the time. That’s why they came up with what they said.
And as for me, I have no values of my own. I simply have nothing to believe. To force myself creating one and believing in it would just be, well, FAKE. I wouldn’t buy it for a second.

I still believe there’s something to believe out there; something that will get me fired up again, something to fight for with passion.
I know so because there are people who have found it.

I guess If I had the chance to meet Jesus, I would ask Him one question.
“What is it?”
As in, “What is it that you found that made you so content, you didn't even curse a single word while going through the worst execution on earth?”

I just want to believe in something again.

Just for Me: a Revelation

If the baker thinks the bread is shit,
then it certainly is.
So why do you bother eating it?
Just dump it.
It's shit!
O dear Lord...
It's shit!

The Root of It All

It has come to my mind that the root of most my problems, if not all, is my insecurity.

I’m an insecure arrogant bastard.

How about that?

I feel I am better than anyone else but at the same time not sure about myself.

Such view has rendered myself to act only in two ways when I feel attacked.

• If I consider the person who’s talking bad about me is better, I will submit myself to a dark gloomy state of self loathing and feeling sorry for myself for not being any better.
• If I consider him/her to be nothing better or even worse, I will lash out in anger to be taken lightly by a person I think is a total loser.

The art of giving me enough love and appreciation in order to free it from the need to get them from others is a lesson I still yet to learn.

Just hang for it, OK.

UPDATE
(please note that I just got back from Sunday mass, so I wrote this in a state of peace and serenity)
All of the above is worsen by the fact that I have no patience or tolerance for idiots who can’t see what they are, thus are acting smart while in fact everything they’ve ever said or thought is plainly steaming crap.

Stupid, Just Stupid

I have my own stand on religion thank you very much.
So a stupid question like this makes me wonder about Man’s supposedly better brain.

“Why do you always question your religion?”

I am very sorry, but truth be said, it would be very difficult to find a dumber question than that; especially when it is followed with a just-as-stupid remark.

“Just accept it! I do. That is why it is called FAITH.”

God! Sometimes I don't believe You made Man by your image!
No wonder we still hurt each other for the sake of our fucked fucking religions.

First of all, I believe that FAITH is a response from Man to God’s touch.
And since I appreciate God so much, I try to respond with everything I’ve got.
And that includes this beautiful brain of mine.
I can’t just wear a particular outfit or eat something because the supposedly holy book says so.
No!
I have a God-given ratio. I have the wonderful ability to think.
And if I want to find the TRUE God, I will use it in my favor.

“But, Man can’t reach God through logic or ratio or thoughts.”

Yes, I agree with that.
I’m mostly agnostic remember?!!
Maybe I can’t use my so called logic or ratio or thoughts alone to reach God.
Maybe I still need that leap of faith.
But surely as hell (pun intended), I can use it to DISCARD all the idiotic things therein religion.

My brain gives me recognition of what lasts and what doesn’t.
It gives me the ability to differ what really matters and what doesn’t.
Using it, I can see what’s important and relevant; and what’s not.

Clothes, food, postural position, or anything dumb and only come from some traditional cultural heritage is not going to get any-fucking-one to God.
NO IT WON’T!
Awareness does, Love does, Humanity does; but not those stupid ways.
I can’t see how wearing a piece of cloth is MORALLY better.
I can’t see how eating some kind of food has any MORAL values.
I can’t see how arranged postures in prayer are in any way KIND!

They have no MORAL values!
You can’t say those actions are kind, can you?
It’s like saying that my dog is kind because he’s got brown fur. WTF??
It's plainly moronic to consider doing such actions makes you a good person!

Have you seen anyone poor get fed or anyone sad got comforted by it? Let alone will it take you to a higher conscious self of yours!

Stop being stuck with it you stupid people! Wake up and be free! Stop hurting each other for things so vaguely unimportant. I wouldn’t kill anyone who says my dog is light brown because I think he is dark brown, would I?

Wake up and see the real world, Stupid!

Why I Don't Give a Damn Anymore

Ah... Fuck it. You wouldn't understand it anyway.
You've still got a lot to learn my friend.

sincerely,

"the righteous snob"

in response to a late night conversation on Saturday, September 5, 2009

Something to Remember

Darling, I’m gonna prove it to you.

I’ll be a fearless traveler!

I’ll be a good writer!

I’ll be a good doctor!

I’ll be an environmental protector!

I’ll have a magnificent life!

I’ll find God!

:)

Sober

I’m sober now.

And all happened only in one night.

This reminds me of what my parents used to say, “The pain may never go away, but it gets faster to heal every time it comes.”

I guess they were right.

Definitely Not Superhuman Anymore

I have a very very excruciating pain right now. From a trauma I had recently.

Wait a minute,
it’s not recent at all!
It was eight months ago. It was December 08!
How the hell have I not forgotten anything about it?! I hate myself for being so weak.

Actually I was rather fine for the last five months. I mourned for three months, and got my life back for five months.
But then, out of the blue, without any glimpse of sign, I woke up and found it lying next to me.
God, will this torment end?

For all the wise guys out there, let me tell you something.
I know about all the healing crap theories.

The only reason the pain comes back is because you want it. Deep inside you love to be tormented, tortured. You love to be in pain. You invite the memories.
Fuck!
I DON’T WANT IT TO COME BACK!! Who’s in the right mind would want something like that?! Okay, I know that some people do. But not me! I never invite the memories to come in. They just break their way in. How can I control something that comes without my consent?! That’s nuts. And believe me I’ve tried every single way to get off of them. But they always find a way. If they can’t do it in my consciousness, they do it when I’m unconscious. Nightmares, nightmares all the time.

Happiness is a choice. You have the freedom to be happy, despite everything.
Maybe. But it’s exhausting to be happy based on solely because you choose it for the last eight months, okay?! Can’t happiness just come? Must I always choose it? Can’t my urges be happy thoughts so I don’t have to dismiss them all the time?

Embrace it
This is the best advice I’ve had. Every time choosing happiness fails, I always try to embrace. But sometimes it makes me sick. Sick because I can’t see any way out of this mess. Sick because I feel no hope for getting out. Sick because I’m tired.

So I said to God,
I know this is wrong God, but can’t You do a tiny bitsy thing and SMITE THAT BITCH A BIT?!!!
She’s damn happy with her lying-backstabbing-angelic-devilish-disgusting face. She’s got all her friends, she’s got all her lies that keep her popular while render me the bad fucking guy, she’s got all the support she needs. She wouldn't even admit our relationship. Fuck this!

Can’t You do some justice?!
I hate her. I hate what she puts on me. I hate that she’s happy.
God, I hate everything right now.

So much for a stable man. So much for being superhuman for five months.
Crumbled to pieces. Back to square one.

PS: for all you twirks who are always so judgmental when someone tells his/her story to you, well you can go to hell. The last thing they need is your arrogant judgment.

Not Superhuman (Anymore)

My girl went completely gone for 7 days, blew my adrenaline levels to the roof for the sake of finding her. And she turned up on the 7th day, all happy, fine, and in a relationship with someone else.
I hate her ever since.

Hmh... Nope.

My girl left me for another man she claimed she hated. I wonder how much had she lied to me then?
Well, I hate her ever since.

Hmh... Nope.

I hate her after a series of me forgiving her to be screwed up again the very same day.

Hmh... Nope.

I hate her after finally when I tried to forgive her for a 100th time, she just said that she didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

Yep. That’s it.

For all the fuckups she had done, couldn’t she cope with my way?! Why do I have to follow her way?

Fuck her.

Anything, Any Damn Thing

It just came to me that I can write anything here.

I always think a lot before I write something down.

Well not anymore.

Coz in the end, blog is crap right?

And that’s what I will do.

I’ll write my crap.

Where else to put it?

No one’s gonna read this anyway.