I have a very very excruciating pain right now. From a trauma I had recently.
Wait a minute,
it’s not recent at all!
It was eight months ago. It was December 08!
How the hell have I not forgotten anything about it?! I hate myself for being so weak.
Actually I was rather fine for the last five months. I mourned for three months, and got my life back for five months.
But then, out of the blue, without any glimpse of sign, I woke up and found it lying next to me.
God, will this torment end?
For all the wise guys out there, let me tell you something.
I know about all the healing crap theories.
The only reason the pain comes back is because you want it. Deep inside you love to be tormented, tortured. You love to be in pain. You invite the memories.
Fuck!
I DON’T WANT IT TO COME BACK!! Who’s in the right mind would want something like that?! Okay, I know that some people do. But not me! I never invite the memories to come in. They just break their way in. How can I control something that comes without my consent?! That’s nuts. And believe me I’ve tried every single way to get off of them. But they always find a way. If they can’t do it in my consciousness, they do it when I’m unconscious. Nightmares, nightmares all the time.
Happiness is a choice. You have the freedom to be happy, despite everything.
Maybe. But it’s exhausting to be happy based on solely because you choose it for the last eight months, okay?! Can’t happiness just come? Must I always choose it? Can’t my urges be happy thoughts so I don’t have to dismiss them all the time?
Embrace it
This is the best advice I’ve had. Every time choosing happiness fails, I always try to embrace. But sometimes it makes me sick. Sick because I can’t see any way out of this mess. Sick because I feel no hope for getting out. Sick because I’m tired.
So I said to God,
I know this is wrong God, but can’t You do a tiny bitsy thing and SMITE THAT BITCH A BIT?!!!
She’s damn happy with her lying-backstabbing-angelic-devilish-disgusting face. She’s got all her friends, she’s got all her lies that keep her popular while render me the bad fucking guy, she’s got all the support she needs. She wouldn't even admit our relationship. Fuck this!
Can’t You do some justice?!
I hate her. I hate what she puts on me. I hate that she’s happy.
God, I hate everything right now.
So much for a stable man. So much for being superhuman for five months.
Crumbled to pieces. Back to square one.
PS: for all you twirks who are always so judgmental when someone tells his/her story to you, well you can go to hell. The last thing they need is your arrogant judgment.
Wait a minute,
it’s not recent at all!
It was eight months ago. It was December 08!
How the hell have I not forgotten anything about it?! I hate myself for being so weak.
Actually I was rather fine for the last five months. I mourned for three months, and got my life back for five months.
But then, out of the blue, without any glimpse of sign, I woke up and found it lying next to me.
God, will this torment end?
For all the wise guys out there, let me tell you something.
I know about all the healing crap theories.
The only reason the pain comes back is because you want it. Deep inside you love to be tormented, tortured. You love to be in pain. You invite the memories.
Fuck!
I DON’T WANT IT TO COME BACK!! Who’s in the right mind would want something like that?! Okay, I know that some people do. But not me! I never invite the memories to come in. They just break their way in. How can I control something that comes without my consent?! That’s nuts. And believe me I’ve tried every single way to get off of them. But they always find a way. If they can’t do it in my consciousness, they do it when I’m unconscious. Nightmares, nightmares all the time.
Happiness is a choice. You have the freedom to be happy, despite everything.
Maybe. But it’s exhausting to be happy based on solely because you choose it for the last eight months, okay?! Can’t happiness just come? Must I always choose it? Can’t my urges be happy thoughts so I don’t have to dismiss them all the time?
Embrace it
This is the best advice I’ve had. Every time choosing happiness fails, I always try to embrace. But sometimes it makes me sick. Sick because I can’t see any way out of this mess. Sick because I feel no hope for getting out. Sick because I’m tired.
So I said to God,
I know this is wrong God, but can’t You do a tiny bitsy thing and SMITE THAT BITCH A BIT?!!!
She’s damn happy with her lying-backstabbing-angelic-devilish-disgusting face. She’s got all her friends, she’s got all her lies that keep her popular while render me the bad fucking guy, she’s got all the support she needs. She wouldn't even admit our relationship. Fuck this!
Can’t You do some justice?!
I hate her. I hate what she puts on me. I hate that she’s happy.
God, I hate everything right now.
So much for a stable man. So much for being superhuman for five months.
Crumbled to pieces. Back to square one.
PS: for all you twirks who are always so judgmental when someone tells his/her story to you, well you can go to hell. The last thing they need is your arrogant judgment.
1.yep you are weak, not a superhuman.
ReplyDelete2.Shit happens.
3.After all that's said and done you should definetly hate her, fuck the ones who said otherwise.
4.I'll go to Hell now hehehe
Btw i like the part "SMITE THAT BITCH!!!"