Have I ever mentioned about my tooth?
It shattered to pieces about a week ago.
Okay, actually, there were no more than two pieces. But it still freaked me out. Let me tell you, the last thing you want to see is a crack line that parts your tooth into two perfect halves, where blood flows every time you nudge the parts apart.
Anyway, I went to the nearest dentist I could find.
The dentist, to my surprise, was a very very FINE woman.
She was pretty, with big eyes, great smile, perfect skin...,
and judging by the size of the tummy, was about 32 weeks pregnant. (Talk about the fastest heartbreak you’ll ever get)
I told her that the tooth had got its problems for years.
She checked it out, and finally decided to remove it one step at a time. She took the first half out quickly, and left the other half for about a week.
The next week, today, I went to see her again. I presumed it was going to be fast just as the first.
But it didn’t.
I knew that something was wrong the moment she changed the tool she was using for about, like, the 6th time.
Finally she said that the root of my tooth was firmly attached to my lower jaw (it gives a whole new meaning to the term 'attachment problem' I guess), and that there were two things that could be done; the first one was operation, and the second one was taking the tooth’s crown while leaving the root.
“Sometimes the root comes out by itself,” she continued. “I suggest you take the latter.”
She looked so confident about it that I, without hesitation, took the second choice.
The process won’t hurt, I thought. I bet it’s a normal, quick, and painless procedure.
It never crossed my mind that she’s actually suggesting to break what's left of my tooth in two.
Things began to sink in when the nurse started to hold my head tight. I was always a good patient; I never complained and sat quietly. So if she decided to hold my head anyway, there had to be a grave concern that I, the good patient, would still move my head.
Damn.
The process was painful and unsurprisingly long.
She finally managed to take the crown out, or should I say crowns, considering that the crown shattered again into two pieces? (My tooth was a freaking cluster bomb)
Now I just have to wait a month to see if the root does come out. If it doesn’t, well, the operation is inevitable after all.
Blah, it’s the least of my problems.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The Price of Knowledge
Have you ever seen an episode of The Simpsons where Homer becomes smart?
It turns out that there’s a crayon embedded in his brain that makes him a dumb man we know.
So, a surgery is done to remove the crayon; and after that, he turns into a smart person.
It goes well for Homer, but after a while, knowledge starts to take its toll.
He realizes that he cannot be as happy as he was. He is unable to appreciate the simple, stupid things that used to make him happy. To know really takes the fun of everything.
In the end, he undergoes a second surgery and has the crayon reinserted. He is dumb again but very happy.
I can’t tell you how much I relate to this simple story.
In my spiritual journey, I have come to realize that everything is just, well, NOTHING.
And as the result, I have lost almost all my faith in them.
I don’t have anything to fight anymore, because everything is just worthless.
The world for me now is just a bunch of lies.
It still has its own eternal values (silence, serenity, prudence, true love, etc), but none of them gets me as excited as the lies would.
In other words,
The world is big
The world is profound
The world is divine
And it is no fun.
It gets me hard sometimes.
And since I cannot undo what I already know, what must I do?
Anthony DeMello once said that in life there were two things a human had to do.
The first one was to know that everything was pointless.
And the second one was to pretend we didn’t know the first part.
Truth be told, I don’t know how to pretend.
So, I need a new knowledge, a new belief, a new value that will make me happy again; because I have lost faith in the old ones.
Must I decide my own NEW values (as implied by Nietzsche)? Must I determine my own subjective truth (as was told by Kierkegaard)?
The problem is, both men who suggested this already had their own values. They were just having a hard time because their values differed greatly with the accepted values at the time. That’s why they came up with what they said.
And as for me, I have no values of my own. I simply have nothing to believe. To force myself creating one and believing in it would just be, well, FAKE. I wouldn’t buy it for a second.
I still believe there’s something to believe out there; something that will get me fired up again, something to fight for with passion.
I know so because there are people who have found it.
I guess If I had the chance to meet Jesus, I would ask Him one question.
“What is it?”
As in, “What is it that you found that made you so content, you didn't even curse a single word while going through the worst execution on earth?”
I just want to believe in something again.
It turns out that there’s a crayon embedded in his brain that makes him a dumb man we know.
So, a surgery is done to remove the crayon; and after that, he turns into a smart person.
It goes well for Homer, but after a while, knowledge starts to take its toll.
He realizes that he cannot be as happy as he was. He is unable to appreciate the simple, stupid things that used to make him happy. To know really takes the fun of everything.
In the end, he undergoes a second surgery and has the crayon reinserted. He is dumb again but very happy.
I can’t tell you how much I relate to this simple story.
In my spiritual journey, I have come to realize that everything is just, well, NOTHING.
And as the result, I have lost almost all my faith in them.
I don’t have anything to fight anymore, because everything is just worthless.
The world for me now is just a bunch of lies.
It still has its own eternal values (silence, serenity, prudence, true love, etc), but none of them gets me as excited as the lies would.
In other words,
The world is big
The world is profound
The world is divine
And it is no fun.
It gets me hard sometimes.
And since I cannot undo what I already know, what must I do?
Anthony DeMello once said that in life there were two things a human had to do.
The first one was to know that everything was pointless.
And the second one was to pretend we didn’t know the first part.
Truth be told, I don’t know how to pretend.
So, I need a new knowledge, a new belief, a new value that will make me happy again; because I have lost faith in the old ones.
Must I decide my own NEW values (as implied by Nietzsche)? Must I determine my own subjective truth (as was told by Kierkegaard)?
The problem is, both men who suggested this already had their own values. They were just having a hard time because their values differed greatly with the accepted values at the time. That’s why they came up with what they said.
And as for me, I have no values of my own. I simply have nothing to believe. To force myself creating one and believing in it would just be, well, FAKE. I wouldn’t buy it for a second.
I still believe there’s something to believe out there; something that will get me fired up again, something to fight for with passion.
I know so because there are people who have found it.
I guess If I had the chance to meet Jesus, I would ask Him one question.
“What is it?”
As in, “What is it that you found that made you so content, you didn't even curse a single word while going through the worst execution on earth?”
I just want to believe in something again.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
My Name is Jonah
There were two guest priests at Sunday mass today. Both were Divine Word missionaries.
Upon starting mass, the host priest offered them the microphone to introduce themselves.
One of them received it and started talking.
“Good morning,” he said.
“Good morning,” we choired.
“It is good to be back in Indonesia," he continued. "I am an Divine Word priest. For ten years, I’ve been living in Argentina. I’m doing a mission there. You know, more than 90% of its population are Catholics, but don't expect to see a crowded Sunday mass just as we have here. People there seldom go to church. This matter of faith intrigues me...”
[And he went on and on about his mission there.]
I said to myself, “Divine Word missionaries sure talk a lot. Never seen one that doesn’t.”
Finally he stopped speaking.
He was giving the microphone to the other priest when it suddenly struck him that he hadn’t said his name in his supposedly 'introduction'.
So he took the microphone back and said, “By the way, my name is Jonah. If you’ve heard about the man who stayed in a fish belly for three days, well that’s me.”
Upon hearing this, my uncle, who happens to be a Jesuit priest, whispered to my ear.
“Divine Word missionaries do talk a lot. Never seen one that doesn’t.”
“Yeah,” I replied. “And I thought whales were mammals.”
Upon starting mass, the host priest offered them the microphone to introduce themselves.
One of them received it and started talking.
“Good morning,” he said.
“Good morning,” we choired.
“It is good to be back in Indonesia," he continued. "I am an Divine Word priest. For ten years, I’ve been living in Argentina. I’m doing a mission there. You know, more than 90% of its population are Catholics, but don't expect to see a crowded Sunday mass just as we have here. People there seldom go to church. This matter of faith intrigues me...”
[And he went on and on about his mission there.]
I said to myself, “Divine Word missionaries sure talk a lot. Never seen one that doesn’t.”
Finally he stopped speaking.
He was giving the microphone to the other priest when it suddenly struck him that he hadn’t said his name in his supposedly 'introduction'.
So he took the microphone back and said, “By the way, my name is Jonah. If you’ve heard about the man who stayed in a fish belly for three days, well that’s me.”
Upon hearing this, my uncle, who happens to be a Jesuit priest, whispered to my ear.
“Divine Word missionaries do talk a lot. Never seen one that doesn’t.”
“Yeah,” I replied. “And I thought whales were mammals.”
Saturday, September 12, 2009
A Long and Dull Explanation about My Most Hated Subject
It’s love.
Okay, move along.
You can still get out from this before I start.
For the ones who are still with me…
I’ve warned you.
Love (by this I mean the man-woman love)…
The subject I hate the most because mostly people talk about it in a cheesy way.
Being a mostly nihilistic person, I have deconstructed most of the ideals I took for granted.
I have unmasked them, shown them to be nothing at all.
I have seen that they have no values of their own, other than the values that we give.
One of them is, of course, MAN-WOMAN LOVE.
How do I define it?
I define it, simply, as friendship with the benefit of sex.
Sometimes it's even worse. It is a DEAL for treating each other nicely.
There’s all there is to it.
The rest is pure idealization.
All you have to do is simple.
After that, you just have to idealize the person, put some romantic projections on her/him; and remember to put her/him in a significant place in your life, so that you will become dependent on her/his constant presence.
Just make a memory, drama, or anything.
Voila, you just find yourself an attachment.
NOW, what I really want to say.
Case A
Mr. Bond loves his girl so much. But he can’t be with her because if he does, she won’t live. His enemies will go after her.
So he leaves her. His love for her is much greater than his desire to be with her. He sacrifices himself in order to save her. He feels pain, but it is fine for him.
Is his love unconditional love? After all, he expects nothing in return.
The answer is NO.
He doesn’t have ANY choice. If things were different, he certainly would be with her. His love is no different than anyone’s. He STILL hopes for something in return. It’s just his circumstances won’t allow it.
Case B
Mr. Ogre is ugly. He loves a girl, but the girl doesn’t love him back.
So he just wants happiness for the girl; even when she is in other’s arms.
Is his love unconditional love?
The answer is NO.
The reason is the same. He’s got NO choice. And maybe, he also gains pleasure from the pain it brings.
Case C
Mr. Drama loves a woman. But he leaves her because he thinks she’s better off without him. He always complains about the pain he has, but he trusts it’s for the better.
Is his love unconditional love?
Same answer.
Same reason, especially the ‘seeking pain for pleasure’ part.
Case D
Ms. Soft loves his husband. She gives him a lot but expects a lot in return. The husband only gives a little and expects a little also.
Is Ms. Soft’s love worse than her husband’s?
NO.
It’s just different. She was raised in a family that gives and receives a lot, while her husband wasn’t. Her love isn’t worse. She just has a different way of handling it.
Some people would claim it to be worse. They would say that she had no unconditional love, because she expected something in return.
I say, what do you expect? Isn’t it normal to expect something? Isn’t it man-woman love is all about?
Man-woman love is all reciprocal, back and forth. It’s about wanting and being wanted, giving and being given, desiring and being desired. It’s so sexual.
Unconditional love is just IRRELEVANT in man-woman love. It may be a Godly love, friendly love, or anything; but it certainly isn’t a man-woman love. It’s always been a DEAL, remember? A TWO-WAY thing.
And one other thing,
I don’t believe there are rules in man-woman love. There isn’t any guide about what can be done and what can’t.
Any guide found is simply taken from friendship guide or business guide.
A few examples:
Don’t get me wrong. I still think the whole man-woman love as a GREAT thing.
But, I don’t think it needs to be exaggerated.
It’s all these exaggerations and idealizations that produce so many problems around it.
PS: damn it, it's so hard to write about this non-ending frustrating subject. I hope I've made myself clear.
UPDATE
Since so many people have got me wrong, I will say this.
Contrary to popular belief, I think man-woman love IS great! In fact, it is so great, it doesn't have to be unconditional to be considered great.
The greatness doesn't lie in its unconditional property (which is non-existent by the way), but in its sexuality (two people wanting each other completely - please don't get me wrong again).
There. I've made my point.
Okay, move along.
You can still get out from this before I start.
For the ones who are still with me…
I’ve warned you.
Love (by this I mean the man-woman love)…
The subject I hate the most because mostly people talk about it in a cheesy way.
Being a mostly nihilistic person, I have deconstructed most of the ideals I took for granted.
I have unmasked them, shown them to be nothing at all.
I have seen that they have no values of their own, other than the values that we give.
One of them is, of course, MAN-WOMAN LOVE.
How do I define it?
I define it, simply, as friendship with the benefit of sex.
Sometimes it's even worse. It is a DEAL for treating each other nicely.
There’s all there is to it.
The rest is pure idealization.
All you have to do is simple.
- Find a person you like to be with
- Make sure that the person’s physical attributes are acceptable by your (sexual) standards
- Sign a DEAL with her/him to be each other’s exclusive friend
After that, you just have to idealize the person, put some romantic projections on her/him; and remember to put her/him in a significant place in your life, so that you will become dependent on her/his constant presence.
Just make a memory, drama, or anything.
Voila, you just find yourself an attachment.
NOW, what I really want to say.
- I still find it to be a great sensation.
- I still appreciate it.
- I still see a lot of good things coming out of it.
- I still cherish it.
- I still want it.
- I don’t believe in love at first sight.
- I don’t believe in unconditional man-woman love.
- other kinds of similar exaggerations.
Case A
Mr. Bond loves his girl so much. But he can’t be with her because if he does, she won’t live. His enemies will go after her.
So he leaves her. His love for her is much greater than his desire to be with her. He sacrifices himself in order to save her. He feels pain, but it is fine for him.
Is his love unconditional love? After all, he expects nothing in return.
The answer is NO.
He doesn’t have ANY choice. If things were different, he certainly would be with her. His love is no different than anyone’s. He STILL hopes for something in return. It’s just his circumstances won’t allow it.
Case B
Mr. Ogre is ugly. He loves a girl, but the girl doesn’t love him back.
So he just wants happiness for the girl; even when she is in other’s arms.
Is his love unconditional love?
The answer is NO.
The reason is the same. He’s got NO choice. And maybe, he also gains pleasure from the pain it brings.
Case C
Mr. Drama loves a woman. But he leaves her because he thinks she’s better off without him. He always complains about the pain he has, but he trusts it’s for the better.
Is his love unconditional love?
Same answer.
Same reason, especially the ‘seeking pain for pleasure’ part.
Case D
Ms. Soft loves his husband. She gives him a lot but expects a lot in return. The husband only gives a little and expects a little also.
Is Ms. Soft’s love worse than her husband’s?
NO.
It’s just different. She was raised in a family that gives and receives a lot, while her husband wasn’t. Her love isn’t worse. She just has a different way of handling it.
Some people would claim it to be worse. They would say that she had no unconditional love, because she expected something in return.
I say, what do you expect? Isn’t it normal to expect something? Isn’t it man-woman love is all about?
Man-woman love is all reciprocal, back and forth. It’s about wanting and being wanted, giving and being given, desiring and being desired. It’s so sexual.
Unconditional love is just IRRELEVANT in man-woman love. It may be a Godly love, friendly love, or anything; but it certainly isn’t a man-woman love. It’s always been a DEAL, remember? A TWO-WAY thing.
And one other thing,
I don’t believe there are rules in man-woman love. There isn’t any guide about what can be done and what can’t.
Any guide found is simply taken from friendship guide or business guide.
A few examples:
- A cheater isn’t guilty of love; he/she is guilty of manipulation, backstabbing, deliberately hurting, breaking a deal, or something like that.
- And so do people who forget anniversaries. Their guilt is not against love; their guilt is simply because they break the deal (if pampering your partner is included in it, like most do).
Don’t get me wrong. I still think the whole man-woman love as a GREAT thing.
But, I don’t think it needs to be exaggerated.
It’s all these exaggerations and idealizations that produce so many problems around it.
PS: damn it, it's so hard to write about this non-ending frustrating subject. I hope I've made myself clear.
UPDATE
Since so many people have got me wrong, I will say this.
Contrary to popular belief, I think man-woman love IS great! In fact, it is so great, it doesn't have to be unconditional to be considered great.
The greatness doesn't lie in its unconditional property (which is non-existent by the way), but in its sexuality (two people wanting each other completely - please don't get me wrong again).
There. I've made my point.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Just for Me: a Revelation
If the baker thinks the bread is shit,
then it certainly is.
So why do you bother eating it?
Just dump it.
It's shit!
O dear Lord...
It's shit!
then it certainly is.
So why do you bother eating it?
Just dump it.
It's shit!
O dear Lord...
It's shit!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Not Much for a Copycat
I am not a bad forger. I can copy signatures quite well; especially when I’m most relaxed.
It’s proven to be useful several times for me and my friends, in college and after.
So it’s bewildering for me to suck at it in when it mattered the most; especially when the signature I had to do was my OWN.
I got my passport today, and there were two things that needed to be signed.
One was a form, and the other one was the passport itself.
I decided to sign the form first.
Guess what happened? I choked in the middle.
I couldn’t remember how to finish my own signature.
Damn.
So I just held my breath and wrote the last half quickly, hoping that it would remind me.
But it didn’t.
There written on my form, a signature I didn’t even recognize.
It couldn’t be changed. So I went on to the passport.
I took a deep breath this time, trying to relax. It was my last chance to do right.
Then with a strong and confident stroke, I signed the passport.
The result was a beautiful signature, strong, and clear…
And it looked just like the one I had in my form…
What the hell? I said to myself.
I’ve heard about people making mistakes in signing their names, but I’ve never heard about someone making two perfectly identical errors.
On one hand, or should I say the good side, it’s convincing; since I’ve got two identical signatures.
But, why the hell would I need to be convincing? It’s my own signature!
I don’t know.
I don’t have to change my signature to resemble them from now on right?
It’s proven to be useful several times for me and my friends, in college and after.
So it’s bewildering for me to suck at it in when it mattered the most; especially when the signature I had to do was my OWN.
I got my passport today, and there were two things that needed to be signed.
One was a form, and the other one was the passport itself.
I decided to sign the form first.
Guess what happened? I choked in the middle.
I couldn’t remember how to finish my own signature.
Damn.
So I just held my breath and wrote the last half quickly, hoping that it would remind me.
But it didn’t.
There written on my form, a signature I didn’t even recognize.
It couldn’t be changed. So I went on to the passport.
I took a deep breath this time, trying to relax. It was my last chance to do right.
Then with a strong and confident stroke, I signed the passport.
The result was a beautiful signature, strong, and clear…
And it looked just like the one I had in my form…
What the hell? I said to myself.
I’ve heard about people making mistakes in signing their names, but I’ve never heard about someone making two perfectly identical errors.
On one hand, or should I say the good side, it’s convincing; since I’ve got two identical signatures.
But, why the hell would I need to be convincing? It’s my own signature!
I don’t know.
I don’t have to change my signature to resemble them from now on right?
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