You Are What You Love: A Reflection on Relationships

This was meant to be included in the previous post (it’s best if you read it first), but since I felt it was talking about a different thing, I decided to make it a separate post.

Anyway,

“You are what you love.”

- Donald Kauffman in Adaptation

The quote has got me thinking about relationships, and I was finally left with a conclusion.

Your relationship can only work (as in having reached an interpersonal level, and not just basic functional level) if your partner loves what you love.

I’ve heard someone said about her relationship, “We love different things, and it works”, and ‘opposites attract’, but somehow I don’t buy that, well at least not right away.
Why?
Because simply and recklessly, just like what the quote said, if you are what you love, and your partner loves what you love, then he/she basically loves you,
and the other way around.

Let’s take one example.
If you love art, then basically your perception, values, responses, nature, reflexes, even subtle actions are aimed toward art.
If your partner loves art too, not only will he/she share those things I mentioned above, your partner will love them.
Now, aren’t all of them basically and brutally, your true existence, or basically and cautiously, the deeper aspects of YOU?
In other words, doesn’t that mean if your partner loves what you love, then he/she basically loves you?
Why not?
You are brutally the embodiment of what your partner values most, or cautiously, a being that’s aimed to what he/she values most.

And the best thing about that kind of relationship is NOT that you will both have the same exact goals, or the rest of your relationship will be problem free, or even there will be no differing opinions (after all, Man are not one sided).
No.
The best thing about it is that you will always have a true friend.
Both of you will sincerely appreciate each other’s work.
Both of you will share each other’s enthusiasm.
Both of you will know what makes the other party love a particular thing.
And in gloomier times,
no matter how much you hurt each other, you will eventually forget about it, because everyone is able to see what the other party sees.

Without it, it’s likely that both of you will consider each other’s actions, responses, and lives to be a complete nonsense.
You don’t know what's inside your partner's head, and the other way around.
Loneliness is inevitable.

I made it sound like a guaranteed recipe for a successful relationship, didn’t I?
Seek for a partner that loves what you love and everything will turn out just fine.
Well, the fate of a relationship is determined by a lot of factors.
So no, even when you have that, there’s always a possibility that everything doesn’t work out.

But I can guarantee this, you will not lose your friendship.
And isn’t that the most important thing in a relationship?
The ability to share, recognize each other, totally see what makes the other party tick?
The chance to find a friend in the lonely path of life?

Now, what about the different people who have it worked out?
Again, I don’t buy it.
No, I don’t mean the last part (‘work out’), I mean the first part (‘different’).
If what they have REALLY work, then I don’t believe they’re different.

Sure, perhaps the man looks strong, hard, and tough, while the woman is weak, soft, and fragile. He may like everything that is masculine, and she may like everything that is feminine. Perhaps, they don’t even seem to appreciate each other’s favorite things. But they must have a common ground.

For example, they may have a thing for drama.

Perhaps both of them basically see the world as a place filled with dramatic situations and romantic projections. So now, the man who loves the masculine stuff turns into a hero, and the woman who loves the feminine stuff changes into a damsel in distress. They don’t look so different anymore, don’t they? Both of them have become suitable characters in their own romantic story.

Of course, in order to keep their relationship flourished, they must maintain the characters. The woman must be at all time weak, and desperately in need for help, while the man must always be strong and prepared to save the woman. Why not? It’s what brought them together, isn’t it?

This kind of thinking proposes new questions for me.
Is that why troubled couple often feel better when they are with friends, because only then are they both in the same ground, as each other’s partner in the eyes of their friends?
Is that why it is sometimes hard to maintain a relationship, because in life a person can change, and the end result is someone that doesn’t always fit his/her partner’s idea of life?

I don’t know, and I’m not going to talk about it.

Anyway, all that I have said only applies when you look for an interpersonal relationship. If you’re satisfied with basic functions of a relationship, the matter is far less complicated (mm… of course, shallowness is also a common ground).

In the end, I just want to say that the world can sometimes be a dark place, and it is only natural to want someone who is REALLY on your side;
and I don't mean that just in a physical sense.