There’s a story I once heard about a climber who climbed a mountain alone on a cold and moonless night. He climbed carefully because he almost couldn’t see. As expected from such a reckless action, at one point he slipped and fell. He didn’t go all the way down because he was still attached to a safety rope. Suspended in air, he thought about what to do. He couldn’t pull himself up because his arm was injured from the fall. He couldn’t cut the rope also because below him was a dark and bottomless pit.
For hours he did nothing. He was still thinking about the situation when suddenly a voice was heard. “Cut the rope and you will be fine,” said the voice. The climber was shocked. He turned his head around but he couldn’t find anyone. “Who is that?” he yelled. The voice didn’t answer; instead it said the same thing. “Cut the rope and you will be fine.”
The climber was perplexed. He was too scared to cut the rope. He tried to listen more but the voice was never heard again. He finally decided to ignore it. He spent the night suspended in freezing air, waiting for daybreak. The next day, people whom he was supposed to meet looked for him. They found him hanging, frozen to death, and only two meters above a steady rock. Had he cut the rope that night, he would have been saved.
The morale of the story is simple: listen to God’s will and you will turn out fine, do the opposite and hardships will surely follow, because after all God’s ways are not your ways.
Dealing with such a situation, we may wonder what God’s take is on the matter. We may pray for Him to show His true will. We want His guidance. Just like the morale of the story, we don’t want to pick the wrong option, the wrong decision, the way He doesn’t want us to take. We refuse to be brought down to a path that leads us to bad consequences. We need the correct answer.
I used to think the same way, but for the last few years I’ve grown further and further away from the concept. The reason stems from my own personal experience. Unlike the story, the voice of God in my life, if there is any, has never been clear. He has never truly uttered a single word in my heart. Perhaps it is my fault, perhaps I sin too much or I don’t open my heart big enough, but still I have to admit that my questions usually go unanswered. It’s just like what the guy from the film The Island says when a clone questions about God: “You know—when you want something really bad and you close your eyes and you wish for it? God’s the guy that ignores you.” I don’t know what He wants in my situation. I’ve never heard Him say it. Sure, there are a lot of signs everywhere, but they so contradict each other that I think they are products of my own imagination. The voice of God is the sound of silence. I often feel lost and don’t know which way to go. And it is that kind of thought that used to make me very scared. I often thought, “If I’m a bad sheep who’s not able to hear His will, then how will my life go?” I feared that I would make a lot of wrong decisions and thus my life would be miserable. Had I just been able to hear Him, I would have gladly done what He said, but the fact was I couldn’t.
The experience drove me nuts until I decided to develop my own subjective truth. The story may be right for someone lucky enough to be able to hear God’s voice, but it is definitely not right for me. I even start to think of it as rubbish. The idea of God as a powerful being who likes to play guessing games with our happiness as stakes sounds ridiculous for me. I may not know who or what He actually is, but that seems a bit low... and off. The story stands on an assumption that life can only be good if it is done according to God’s will, and it can only be bad if it is not, while the will itself is a mystery. People who believe it and obviously don’t want to live a bad life will desperately try to uncover the mystery, regardless of its plausibility, and live accordingly.
But does it really work like that?
I don’t believe that that's the way life runs. The seemingly good choices don’t always make good consequences, and bad choices don’t always result in bad ones. Even a single choice can have various consequences at the same time, good and bad. Good things and bad things happen to anyone regardless of their choices. Everything is almost as if it is made out from chaos. And such a chaotic notion contradicts what the story’s trying to say. You cannot expect to find God’s will to make your life all good and happy. Bad things will always happen. Perhaps the whole point is not to guess which option is the one that God really wants. Perhaps it is about choosing one anyway and accepting all consequences that follow. Perhaps that’s also the reason why God always sits in silence no matter how hard I ask. God’s will is never really found standing behind the right option. Instead it stands with us - the persons who are trying to choose, willing for us to pick an option, live through it, and grow from learning to deal with anything that comes after.
When I first saw Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift, I liked what the character Han told the character Sean. He said, “Life is simple. You make choices and you don’t look back.” The statement is an oversimplification. Letting go of the past is never simple. But still I think it aims at a good point. Life is not about making the right choices, because sometimes there are none. It’s about living anything we choose. Good things may happen and so may bad things. But we try to go through them anyway, making up answers as we go. Perhaps, only then will God’s will truly be served (if He did will us to grow and not just guess correctly because correct options didn't exist anyway). And perhaps, only then will our prayer turn into what the character Maria in the film Sound of Music says. It is not “God, show me the correct path so I can be all happy,” it is “For what we receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful.” I think now all I can say to myself is just, "Pick a choice, live through it." If God does exist and is as loving as everyone says, He will be there all the time with me while I grow through the consequences.
